Female orgasm. What is it?
I never heard two women use the same words to describe their true pleasure. This is OK – pleasure is unique to each of us. So, I encourage you to become an Explorer of your Pleasure to unveil and enjoy all of its nuances.
A bit of backstory: what is pleasure?
In our culture, pleasure is often associated with concepts such as sin, shame, sense of duty. As a result, it is still taboo for many women. Truth is, pleasure is about:
When you realize that, your pleasure becomes your power. You don’t outsource it to your sexual partner any longer. It’s something you know and give to yourself generously, in a way that makes you fully aware of your preferences and inclination.
There are many facets to sexual pleasure. It can be erotic, wild, tender, sensual – the list could continue. Connotations of pleasure can vary, depending on the energies you and your partner channel through sex.
Now, let’s look at the definition of orgasm, quoted from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
– intense or paroxysmal excitement
Especially: the rapid pleasurable release of neuromuscular tensions at the height of sexual arousal that is usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen in the male and by vaginal contractions in the female.
Sounds quite geared towards men and ejaculation to me. And, kind of misses the whole point about what an orgasm truly is in my understanding.
You see, I started exploring the whole concept of orgasms because, well, my sex life had become boring. I don’t blame my partner for that, mind you. He was a good lover. I was “the problem”.
The passionate early stages of the relationship were in the past. Kids were born. I was constantly overwhelmed by a gazillion things to do. Simply put, sex was pretty much the last thing I thought of. And when we had sex, I wasn’t enjoying it or living the moment. I mainly kept thinking of all sorts of deadlines and chores, such as the shopping list.
Then, I read a book referencing outrageously wild orgasms. And started to crave for a piece of that cake too.
Clueless as I was about how something that was mere routine to me could lead to such a profound experience, I decided I would have done anything to change my approach to pleasure.
Fast forward three years and hundreds of hours of study and practice, I can happily say I’m now a multiorgasmic woman.
I remember the moment when my relationship with pleasure changed. It felt like my body was liquifying and merging with the Universe. I perceived myself as an aurora borealis that turned into a waterfall that morphed into a lavish tree.
Sounds crazy, I know. If I were reading such a description without having experienced what that orgasm felt like, I would either steer away from the crazy chick that writes such crap… or jump right into trying to figure out how to live such an experience. Your choice 😊
If you’re still here… enough about me.
Going back to understanding what an orgasm is, the definition that resonates the most with my experience is my instructor’s. According to Layla Martin, three elements must coexist to define an orgasm as such.
Pleasure combines with movement, creating an alchemy that transforms your mental state.
How to turn sex into an orgasmic experience
All sex is good sex, right? Wrong.
To transform sexual intercourse into a truly orgasmic experience, you need to get some basic ingredients right. We’ll explore a few in a bit, but mind you: there is no ultimate recipe. The journey to unlocking your pleasure starts with finding the unique blend that’s perfect for you.
Let’s begin with a few seasonings you can add to spice your recipe to taste.
PERFORMANCE AND RELAXATION
To enjoy pleasure in all of its nuances, we first need to stop worrying about performance. Many women obsess with “being great at sex”, fearing that otherwise they would lose their partner, hurt his/her feelings, or be dubbed as frigid. And that’s plain wrong.
Also, we need to let go of the need for orgasms. I know we’re talking just about that, but you cannot experience a supersonic orgasm if you keep worrying about when you’ll get there rather than enjoying the moment.
To find true pleasure, you need to feel all of the different sensations of your body. We’re so used to shaming our body that we forgot all its gifts: magic and mystery, hints and nods, answers, and pleasure.
To live an authentically orgasmic experience, you need to relax and feel 100% comfortable. You can foster relaxation by pampering yourself and whispering words of reassurance. If your experiences with sex have been difficult, loosening yourself won’t come naturally at first. But with practice and tender patience, you’ll get there.
In our culture, self-awareness is rarely fostered in kids. Even less in girls, which is why many women end up outsourcing their sexual power to their partners, depending on them for pleasure.
Yet, self-awareness is essential to a turned-on life. And the first step to pleasure-related awareness is getting to know your physical body. Too many women are clueless about their anatomy, and such “ignorance” often stems from the gazillion nicknames we use for what’s essentially the herald of our pleasure.
First things first: each pussy is unique. So, take a mirror and have a good look. Explore your anatomy (no diddling here!) and start building an open and honest relationship with your body.
Consider what you like, what you want. Reflect on how attentive you are to your sensations. Can you tell whether your desire and what’s happening between your legs are a match? Can you honor your true desire?
Here’s the only bit of trivia you need: our clitoris is connected to 8,000 nerves (almost twice as much as a man’s prepuce) and its only purpose is to make us experience sexual pleasure and climax. When stimulated in the “right” way, our cervix holds the key to breathtaking orgasms that redefine the concept of “Heaven on Earth”.
WHAT TURNS YOU ON (AND OFF)
Studying pleasure, I learned about the concept of accelerators and inhibitors. Understanding what turns you on (and what turns you off) is a great way to develop a conscious relationship with yourself and your partner.
Think about your bedroom. Would you prefer a tidy and romantic ambiance with candles and silk sheets? How about long-lasting scents and perfumes? Are you more comfortable in silence or the idea of someone right behind your wall turns you on?
There are no right or wrong answers. There’s only what feels right for you and your partner as a couple. Explore your options.
Also, learning at what times of the day it’s easier for you to feel turned on helps you “use” biology to your advantage. If evenings don’t work because you feel too weary and the idea of having sex drags you down, you can create occasions for sex and pleasure when you can fully enjoy the magic.
Myth-busting corner. Topic: your pace of arousal.
Think of your herald of pleasure as a blossom, that unveils its gorgeous beauty only when the time is just right. That’s exactly what happens with your pussy, and obsessing with turning on in a millisecond, movies-style, is useless.
So: take your sweet time. Let your partner know that it’s not about “slowing it down”. It’s enticing foreplay that sets the scene for wildly overwhelming pleasure for both.
You can also play with pace during sex, alone or with your partner. Start slowly, accelerate as you go, stop just before the orgasm, then repeat until you loosen yourself completely. You’ll experience pleasure to new heights.
When it comes to orgasm and female pleasure, letting go is also important. Emotional blocks, negative memories, grudges, and feelings of non-acceptance at large are powerful barriers on our way to experiencing true pleasure.
Getting rid of the burden requires undertaking a process I call “the way of purification”, consisting of three steps:
Awareness. Acknowledge that something got in your way. Maybe it’s a physical problem, an emotional struggle, lack of energy, or anything else. No judgment involved. Just acknowledge that something is holding you back, or you’ll be stuck forever.
Intent. Are you ready to let go? Make a decision. Letting go when the time isn’t right for you can result in a useless emotional struggle. If you are ready, on the other hand, the rewards are endless.
Action. What’s the best course of action for you right now? Do you feel like screaming in your pillow? Need to dance until you drop? Would you rather tackle the sub-identity that got in the way of your pleasure? Or take a hot bath and wash away the sense of shame your educators instilled in you?
Whatever your actions, take extra care of your sense of self-worth. Acknowledge and reinforce the concept that letting go and experiencing true pleasure is safe, healthy, and wise for you.
4 key ingredients for larger-than-life orgasms
At times, feeling your sensations can be too much to take in. I’ve been there. But if you’re serious about experiencing mesmerizing orgasms, you must develop a deep connection with your body.
Start with focusing on sensations in your everyday life. Take a break at random, close your eyes and pay conscious attention to your body. What is going on? What are you feeling? Are you hot or cold? Do you feel itchy or somewhat different?
Once you’re comfortable with listening to your body, do the same exercise as you’re experiencing pleasure, alone or with your partner.
During sex, deep rhythmical breathing helps to focus on the present.
Any time you realize your mind is wandering off rather than being in the moment, take a deep breath and refocus on what’s going on. It’s a great way to promote relaxation and to set pleasure in motion throughout the body.
Whether you’re having sex with yourself or a partner, don’t force your movements according to some ideal pattern or agenda. Close your eyes and let your body guide you: it knows the way. Forget all about performance, and focus inwards.
Movement is the key to manifesting your Essence – which is wise, wild, and free.
Your voice is directly connected to your pussy. To specify, your throat is, as the vagus nerve passes through both cervix and throat. The more you let your voice out, the more your pussy opens up to pleasure.
That’s quite a lot to take in. But you don’t need to do it all at once. And, once you learn to bring together the four key ingredients and your unique blend of spices, it gets so much easier.
It’s a bit like learning to drive: impossible in the beginning, and piece of cake once you’re familiar with the cabin setting, brakes block, and cruise control 😉